Broken 

I’ve never cried listening to a podcast. But as I listened to episode 14 of the Enough podcast driving home the other night, I just about lost it.

Patrick Rhone opened up about some things that are super personal, and in a way that was so honest, so sincere, I just want to give the guy a hug and thank him for his words.

But it wasn’t just Patrick’s honesty about his past that blew me away — it was my present.

On Friday, I was diagnosed as suffering from depression.

The problems — things like a loss of interest in hobbies, a lack of motivation, the inability to focus, insomnia and an all-around shitty feeling — have gotten increasingly difficult to manage on my own.

However, I’ve been hesitant to admit these issues are real. I’ve rationalized things to myself and lied to just about everyone in my life. It’s okay, I thought. You’ve been dealing with a lot.

(While the last two years of battling with our son’s cancer has been draining, looking back, I see the seeds of my current struggle in college and even high school.)

That’s true, and is a justifiable cause for my depression. But when things started interfering with my marriage, my relationships and my job, I knew it was time to reach out for help.

I’m blessed. I have a wonderful wife who is my best friend. I have some guys in my life who will pick up when I call, no matter the time of day (or night). I’ve got a killer job, live in a great city and have people who care deeply about me. I have a faith that connects me to something bigger than myself.

I don’t know what the future holds. I know I’ve got to take things one day, one hour, one moment at a time. I’ve got some medicine and am starting to meet with a therapist, as well as my pastors. I’ve got friends near and far checking in on me, and I’m trying to be honest with them. I can’t get better on my own, but I know I’m not alone. Pushing people away comes somewhat naturally to me, but doing so now is crippling.

It’s a long road from where I am to being okay. But at least I’m crawling in the right direction — I hope.